If I Had A Dime For Everytime A Woman Was A B*tch, I'd Be Filthy Rich.

The other day, I was standing in line at CVS minding my own business. The older lady in front of me had oh, about 50 coupons, so needless to say, I was occupying myself by flipping through the dirt-rags lining the register. I was snapped out of my "Jen Cries As Angelina Swears to Have Another Baby With Brad" article by two young ladies standing in the line next to me, as I caught the tail end of their conversation. "It looks so much better on you, obviously" said the perky 20-something year old blonde to the other perky 20-something year old blonde. I looked over at them and realized that one of the blonde's and I were wearing the same shirt.

"When did women become so bitchy?" is a question I often find myself pondering. There doesn't seem to be a day that goes by where I don't see, hear, or experience one woman being catty towards another. It happens at work, with friends, and at random CVS's when we're least expecting it. I don't get it.

As a "girl's girl", I am a part of a dying breed. I've been lucky enough to have been exposed to some amazing women in my lifetime and find that my relationships with girls are almost always more meaningful than my relationships with guys (there are a few exceptions of course). I have a deep respect for women and all the bullshit they have to deal with from juggling careers, families, and social lives to the non-stop perfect body pressure to fighting for equality in a world that clearly sees us as the less able sex. Don't get me wrong, I heart men, but when it comes to everyday struggles, I think that women have to work a little harder to get where they want to go.

So, women, it's time to cut the crap. If we spent half as much time being productive as we do with make up, hair, and making fun of random chicks at CVS, we would have already taken over the world by now. And, let me tell you, world domination rocks; if you've ever watched Spartacus on Starz, you should know that having males as your slaves is nothing short of hot.

You & Me Baby Ain't Nothin But Mammals, So Let's Do It Like They Do On The Discovery Channel

While I recognize that animals do some narly things like crap and have sex in public, you have to give them credit for one thing; the Animal Kingdom has the formula for successful relationships down to a science. Male suitors prove themselves by fighting and sometimes dying while pursuing, protecting, and pleasing their mates. Female animals are well taken are of. Their mates drag home dinner, watch over the family, and if you ever happen to watch the Discovery Channel, you know how much they get laid. While there's sure to be some competition between males to attract mates or between females to be the most desired one of the bunch, everything seems to even out. Even the peacock with the least colorful feather can find a partner. Animals don't waste their times on the wrong mates.

When it comes to humans, the only aspect of relationships that females and males seems to be very proficient in is screwing. Girls screw other girls over if it means they'll get the guy. Guys screw other guys over if it means they'll get the girl. We screw ourselves into thinking that screwing screwed up people will somehow lead to a less-than-screwed up relationship. You get the point.

In my opinion, it all comes down to understanding evolution. Animals have been around for a long time and are wired to survive. They recognize that finding a mate, creating, and protecting their families will allow their species to continue on. Even with all of their intellectual capabilities, humans are a self-destructive species. Rather than honing in on finding a partener that will support and enable us to reach our individual potentials, many of us spend our time in the wrong relationships and friendships, and can't seem to understand why we can't grow. This, my friends, is no bueno.

When it comes to mating, maybe we could take a few pointers from the Animal Kingdom. You know what they say..."You and me baby ain't nothin but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel".

The Case Against College

As a high schooler, my parents use to tell me that life as I knew it would be over unless I got into a good college. I spent the good majority of my teenage years living my life in preparation for college applications. I kept my grades in check, got involved in lame clubs (and got kicked out of a few too), and studied my rear off for the SATs. I finished up high school with decent grades, got into a pretty good college, kicked ass in college, got into a well known grad school, and ended up squeaking by with an graduate degree a few years later. I was ready to embrace the real world with open arms, but quickly found out that my education hadn't prepared me for much.

In school, I was taught that Aristotle, Socrates, and Plato were important dudes, that the term "monopoly" isn't just the name of a board game, and that women have been oppressed for a long time. What I wish I would have been taught is how to understand my credit score, how to save for retirement, the importance of networking, and maybe even Bartending 101...mixing cocktails has been a hell of a lot more important to me in my career than my Women's Studies classes.

With a couple exceptions, such as studying to be a mechanical engineer or doctor, I don't understand how going to college makes you more well prepared for a job or the real world. In fact, I almost think it can be detrimental for some. Case and point, I was chatting with a cocktail waitress from work a few days ago and she was telling me that she needs to pay $700/month for the next 25 years in order to pay off her college debt. The poor girl will be waitressing until she's 50 before she even has a chance to look at a career!

So, in conclusion, I've decided if this whole writing thing doesn't work out, I might have to venture out and create a new education system for those of us who don't see the connection between Aristotle and paying our bills. And believe me, Bartending 101 will be in the class catalogue.

I Am A Burnout...Someone Find Me A Joint

Marathoner, Grad school Graduate, Professor, Party Girl, and Gym Rat were words that use to describe me. There's no doubt about it; once upon a time ago, I was someone going somewhere. If I set my mind to something, there was no way of stopping me. Fast-forward a few years and I barely recognize myself. I bartend a few days a week, sleep at least half the day away, rarely see my friends, and haven't set foot in a gym for well over a few months. How did this transition happen?

If you believe that the Quarter Life Crisis exists, then you probably too have experienced the Quarter Life Burnout. Anyone over the age of 40 reading this is probably scoffing at me, "Humph! Like she knows what it's like to slave away for 20 years in an office!" Despite the fact that my career has only spanned a little over 5 years, I assure you, I am burnt out. I'm burnt out with my job/retarded bosses/career path (or lack thereof), burnt out with my revolving circle of friends, and burnt out with stressing about everything all the damn time. Hell, I'm burnt out on being burnt out.

I think the worst part of the Quarter Life Burnout is feeling like 1) your stuck and you never know if and when it's going to end and 2)feeling like you're the lone solider and everyone else has it figured out. So, tell me what you think. Am I alone on this one?

I Want Sex and Candy

On New Years Eve, I had the pleasure of doing what all bartenders do on holidays, work. At the stroke of midnight, I watched dozens of couples, many who had just met a few hours before, practically hump each other on my bar. Watching sloppy drunks make out is normally on my list of "Reasons Why Being A Bartender Can Suck Sometimes", but for some crazy reason, I was actually inspired. I decided right then and there what my New Year's resolution was going to be; 2011 will be the year of getting laid. A lot.

A few years ago, I ended up meeting someone that just rocks. Plain and simple. Like every other couple, we've had our ups and our down, but one thing stays the same, he deals with my craziness and let's me be...well, me. Rather than going on and on about my badass bf, I'll get to the point. Similiar to many necessary, but sometimes neglected, aspects of our lives, such as going to the gym and eating the right foods, maintaining all aspects of our significant relationships isn't something we always do. Listening to our partner talk about his/her day, no matter what game is on doesn't always happen. Going on dates with each other and remembering to say thank you slips by us. Dressing up in sexy lingerie and doing it like it's the first time all over again...well, let's just say, I'm pretty sure most of us in long term relationships have built up a collection of dust in our lingerie drawers.

Good boyfriends and girlfriends are hard to come by especially when there are tons of other options around every corner. Finding one is hard, but keeping one is damn near impossible. Letting your sig-o bitch about the stupid chicks at work, spending $50 on sushi and saki bombs once a week, and dusting off the old corset isn't all that hard and believe me, it goes a long way. Moral of the story, to those of you in relationships, if you want them to last a lifetime, you have to jump back in the saddle (pun intended). And singles, have a blast doing what you do, but please realize that the time and the place to hook up isn't at a bar in front of a bartender.